Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
