Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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