he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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