Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
