I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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