this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
