Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
