Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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