Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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