My liver just broke up with me...
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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