mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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