also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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