Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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