I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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