Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
