I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
