if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
