Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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