I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize
