I need to stop coming to work sober
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
