The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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