she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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