Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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