my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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