I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize