Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
