the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
