Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
