Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Holy shit dude........stairs
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
