I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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