I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
My penis needs a shock collar
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize