I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
