Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
