News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
