nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
