So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
operation have a gay friend backfired
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
