I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
