I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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