I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
