i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
