When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You ruined the universe
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
