if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
