I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
