you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
