Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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