come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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