Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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