my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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