the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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