btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
