when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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