he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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