I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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