i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
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