I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
