eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
